The Day You Left

A hot, blistering day begins

With a flustered morning

Waiting for you, pining, aching

Your call, a whiff of your voice

And I race to the door

And wait and wait and wait

Until your curly hair enters

My field of vision. Escalator

Ascending. Blue shirt. Shoulders.

You walk the wrong way

And I run, run, run...

Embrace. Relief. Peace.

I cling onto you for life

With time ticking frantically

Every minute bursts

With the pang of your departure

Every time you look at me

Mixed with the happiness you bring

Come waves and waves of sadness

And we walk. Hot, sweaty, hand in hand

The sun can't burn away

The hurt I feel looking at you

My stomach churns with dread

For when you'll say goodbye

My blue-shirt-curly-haired handsome

You stand by the gate with me

Wanting to stay and needing to leave

I curse the forces that pull you from me

I hold back the rain

Choking my eyes, burning

And try to smile. Try to let you go.

I can't. A hug. Another. Another.

Can't erase the heaviness I feel

So, as always, I run from my sadness

I walk away from you, faster

Hoping you don't see me and cry

Sitting in a bus stop

Head in my hands, trying

To numb out the hurt

You see me. You mouth something

I don't understand

I am drawn to you

Like a magnet

I follow the blue shirt in the rickshaw

I follow you like a lost puppy

I run, run, run...

Hoping, irrationally, that you will stop

And come back to me

Instead you accelerate

Around a bend, I lose sight

Of the blue shirt. I'm blind

With hot, lava-like tears

Sweating panting running

Trying to catch a glimpse

A flash, a touch of blue

In the crowded street ahead

Nothing but my ragged breath

Alien unattractive strangers

And thoughts of kisses, laughs, tentative smiles

Of a tiny silver ring on a big finger

Of your quick entry into my world

And your even swifter departure

The tears rain on ceaselessly

I walk and walk and walk and walk

To nowhere; lost without you

No polestars, no blue shirts

For direction

I still cannot fathom the pain

This goodbye brings

Bittersweet

As strongly as the heart yearns

For home, good company, familiarity

So the heart embraces the new

And welcome winds of change

As I ache for the cool touch

Of my mother's weathered fingers

Her clatter in the kitchen

Her halo of protection and comfort

So I stand wide-eyed, excited

For me new-found freedom

Bearing new responsibilities

With a smile and strong stance

As furiously as I cling to

The part of me i left behind

So I let this new person

Find her soul

Missing Ma

You burst with beautiful energy

You laugh and you become a child

I ache for that laugh, its warmth

It reminds me how similar we are

Your fingers worn soft

Telling your motherly tales

You read me, meticulously

Every smile, every movement

To you I am transparent

My lies fall to pieces before you

My tears, hidden within bathroom walls

Some you caused, and some others

From when I was a seed inside you

You could feel my heart beat

Even today, you sense every single

One of my sorrows

I get so angry at you sometimes

And you at me, we fight

But when I lie down to sleep

All I can think of is that I let you down

Tonight, in this cold hostel room

I miss you, your touch, your hug

Your words that curl around me

Like a well-worn sweater

I regret sleeping late into the morning

Instead of being around you

I take you for granted

And now I hate myself for it

I would have said all this to you

Cuddled up next to you

Over and over how much I love you

But we never do that. We argue. We hug.

I am falling to pieces without you here

Tonight I just want your presence

I look at your photograph

It isn’t enough. I miss you.