Nobody

I am like dirt under your shoe

Or a children’s book you forgot you had

Like an ache that you can’t bother to heal

Like I was just someone, anyone, no one at all

Words that sound like poetry

Coat your mouth like caramel

Sweet, indulgent but really

Just a sticky mass of unhealthy sugar

It hurts again. I thought it could never be

As bad as the last time

But it’s worse and more crushing

Because I didn’t think I would let myself hurt this way

No one but myself, no friends who understand

Just a room with little corners

Where I cry until my legs fall numb

Until I turn into an irrational mess of a person

What am I to you? Just a girl you convince yourself is the one

Who your heart doesn’t allow to love enough

Subconsciously, you push me away

It hurts to feel like nothing to you

I wish I was

I wish I was your Princess

The girl you'd waited for

The one for whom you'd do anything

If she came knocking on your door

I wish nothing else mattered

When you looked in my eyes

And everything else came second

When you had me as the prize

I wish every time I cried

You'd swear to heal my pain

And as long as life was in you

Never let me cry again

But I am not your Princess

I'm not your perfect bride

Even if you swear otherwise

This truth I know, inside

Residue

You took my soul, loved it with all of you

But I wasn't good enough to fight for

You took my soul, squeezed the life out of it

Gently, without you or I knowing

You left your fingerprints to haunt me

When I am sleeping, when I am lonely

You left your sweet tasting fingerprints

To remind me it will never be the same

I cannot forgive you for stealing my faith

Sixteen was too young to find a soul mate

I cannot forgive you for stealing the part of me

That could love without fear of being trampled

You swirl, swirl, swirl like the residue in a teacup

That is meant only to be thrown away

I swirl, swirl, swirl in my own confusion

In limbo between the past and present

Look at me now, a shell, an amputee

How will I find someone who will accept this

Look at me now if you can stand to see it

I wait for someone to bring me back to life

If I could go back, I would pry

Out of your hands my most fragile parts

If I could go back, I would take my soul

And save it for someone better than you

The Day You Left

A hot, blistering day begins

With a flustered morning

Waiting for you, pining, aching

Your call, a whiff of your voice

And I race to the door

And wait and wait and wait

Until your curly hair enters

My field of vision. Escalator

Ascending. Blue shirt. Shoulders.

You walk the wrong way

And I run, run, run...

Embrace. Relief. Peace.

I cling onto you for life

With time ticking frantically

Every minute bursts

With the pang of your departure

Every time you look at me

Mixed with the happiness you bring

Come waves and waves of sadness

And we walk. Hot, sweaty, hand in hand

The sun can't burn away

The hurt I feel looking at you

My stomach churns with dread

For when you'll say goodbye

My blue-shirt-curly-haired handsome

You stand by the gate with me

Wanting to stay and needing to leave

I curse the forces that pull you from me

I hold back the rain

Choking my eyes, burning

And try to smile. Try to let you go.

I can't. A hug. Another. Another.

Can't erase the heaviness I feel

So, as always, I run from my sadness

I walk away from you, faster

Hoping you don't see me and cry

Sitting in a bus stop

Head in my hands, trying

To numb out the hurt

You see me. You mouth something

I don't understand

I am drawn to you

Like a magnet

I follow the blue shirt in the rickshaw

I follow you like a lost puppy

I run, run, run...

Hoping, irrationally, that you will stop

And come back to me

Instead you accelerate

Around a bend, I lose sight

Of the blue shirt. I'm blind

With hot, lava-like tears

Sweating panting running

Trying to catch a glimpse

A flash, a touch of blue

In the crowded street ahead

Nothing but my ragged breath

Alien unattractive strangers

And thoughts of kisses, laughs, tentative smiles

Of a tiny silver ring on a big finger

Of your quick entry into my world

And your even swifter departure

The tears rain on ceaselessly

I walk and walk and walk and walk

To nowhere; lost without you

No polestars, no blue shirts

For direction

I still cannot fathom the pain

This goodbye brings

Missing Ma

You burst with beautiful energy

You laugh and you become a child

I ache for that laugh, its warmth

It reminds me how similar we are

Your fingers worn soft

Telling your motherly tales

You read me, meticulously

Every smile, every movement

To you I am transparent

My lies fall to pieces before you

My tears, hidden within bathroom walls

Some you caused, and some others

From when I was a seed inside you

You could feel my heart beat

Even today, you sense every single

One of my sorrows

I get so angry at you sometimes

And you at me, we fight

But when I lie down to sleep

All I can think of is that I let you down

Tonight, in this cold hostel room

I miss you, your touch, your hug

Your words that curl around me

Like a well-worn sweater

I regret sleeping late into the morning

Instead of being around you

I take you for granted

And now I hate myself for it

I would have said all this to you

Cuddled up next to you

Over and over how much I love you

But we never do that. We argue. We hug.

I am falling to pieces without you here

Tonight I just want your presence

I look at your photograph

It isn’t enough. I miss you.

Family

This is a very personal poem, something I wrote when I was bursting with tears. I fear that the emotion I felt at the time cannot be aptly portrayed through my words, but I hope I can share a tiny sliver.

You say we are not family

But do you mean it?

Can you spend a day not worrying

If your children are safe?

The home we made

Seems like a prison to you

But it is my solace

The place where I find family

But you say we are not your family

Who am I to you, Mamma?

Am I simply some child?

Am I a burden in your arms?

Are you forced to love me

Because we are bound by blood?

I love you despite your words

I beg you, I kneel, I cry

For you to feel in your heart

My ever flowing love

But I am not your family

Then how can you feel the peace 

That i feel when I come home

To have three people I can readily

Give my life for

That I can always lean on

That are a part of my being

Yet, you know not this family

And without you

We are simply people

Waiting for the missing beat

That you took away

Each in our own way 

Love you unconditionally

Can you not love us? 

Letting Go

Face to face, eye to eye
You're all I ever wanted
I turn away with a sigh
I'm forced to let you go

Hand in hand, it's still a lie
I want an impossible future
I smile, inside I cry
For everything I'm losing

Illusions everywhere around
Who knows right from wrong?
We speak without a sound
Everything and nothing makes sense

We are simply two freinds
We try to convince ourselves
But in this profound silence
Our Love betrays us

Shower Tears

When you leave, I climb into the shower
Sorrow, pain like skyscrapers tower
I sing to clear my rain clouded mind
In this cubicle I stand confined
And the tears rain invisible
My knees bend, unstable
I fall, all my pride disappears
And in its place fills cold fear
The water rinses my face
My tears don't leave a trace
But it cannot rinse my soul
Of all the hurt it holds

Easy Trust

Why stranger do you listen
To my angst and sorrow
How does your act
Sponge away my pain

You find my fingers
Your heart beats
With my ever aching heart
You taste my tears

Stranger, I do not know
Where you head
Yet, I lay bare all
The shadows of my past

You speak not in reply
But the fever ebbs away
Like a line of mercury
In a thermometer

These moments you hear
My quivering voice, I try
To hide myself and my tears
But you set them free

Stay stranger, I shall unveil
Your mysteries
Let us ease our loneliness
Let me discover your shadows

Awake I Lie In Solitude

Some days I hate myself
Catalogued feelings on the shelf
Come toppling down in torrents
When awake I lie in solitude

Thinking of the minutes wasted
Beauty so oft never tasted
I shudder in resentment
When awake I lie in solitude

An overhead plain of white ceiling plaster
Into which sinks the day's disaster
A multitude of careless mistakes
When awake i lie in solitude

Gradually dim the negativities
Like the city lights, I find clarity
Sleep she crawls like a snake
And my lids close in solitude

Strangers

Why do you hope for love
Like a wing clipped dove
Under a sheet of frost
Hopes for some warmth lost ?
Love to me is a stranger
The liar, the ever-changer

In an opaque bubble
Blind to the inevitable
Existing in dark hollow
Reality too hard to swallow
Truth to me is a stranger
My fantasies it wants to injure

Alone is a beautiful place
To be me without a shadowed face
Solitude, so safe and secure
No company to smilingly endure
People to me are strangers
I have but myself to endanger

And now by a reality struck
I am the rotten apple to be plucked
That it is sparkling crystal clear
'Tis I, the real imposter here
This poet herself is the stranger
And there is nothing to do to change her.

Something Lost In the Rain

I remember your music
The day you stilled me
The day you filled me
With love pure and thick
To find you was to be alive

Our drunken promises
The ones we keep
The ones that sleep
In our reminisces
"Don't think, just dive"

And smooth sailing 'twas
Sun bright
Or moonlight
Submitting not to human laws
A lie we lived all these days

We betrayed so many, their trust
We were fools
Breaking rules
How gullible love makes us
Was it us, or Fate's cruel ways

All our crazy fantasies
Like free flying
Like never dying
Or lovers in white peace
The dreams fall to the floor

So we ran and ran so far
Away from here
Anywhere but here
Fuelled by our beating hearts
Only to meet a vaulted door

Stop! Screech to a halt
Is this the end?
Can we still pretend
Our misfortunes are not our fault?
If only, if only, if only..

Iron strength melts to butter
Don't say goodbye
Don't say don't cry
These wounds will never get better
Suddenly we are so lonely

Lying here, the words resonate
You're alone
You're alone
Stifled by the world I hate
And like blood the hope drains

A new day must dawn now
Get set
To forget
A fresh breath to allow
And cleanse ourselves in the rain

Turmoil

The deadly war wages
Tradition versus Youth
Obedience versus Rebellion
Rationality versus Instinct

The dividing line is hazed
Between right and wrong
Under trampling ideologies
Under sweeping clubs of change

Youth stirs new questions,
Tradition gives time-tested answers

Rebellion like a sudden earthquake
Obedience: silent and understanding

Instinct, the reaction of the heart
Rationality needs the decisions of the mind

The well-matched enemies
Angling sharp swords
Flinging sharper words
The battlefield echoes their roars

Each in haughty stance
Each with purpose and conviction
Clashing shields with parallel force
Upon the bloody grass

Since time breathed anew
Waging deep in our thoughts
Perpetually the war goes on
Boiling ceaselessly

The contenders wait not
Their weapons like tolling bells ring
Until sinks the sun in coolness
And sleep reigns over turmoil

The Dying Past

Let go now, in grief
Or joy, with a hearty toast
Proposed to the past
As a lost autumn leaf
Floats like a scarlet ghost,
A forgotten outcast

She flies so aimlessly
Swirling in, about, round and out
Inhaling every last
Scent restlessly
Before fades, their fragrant shouts
And dies, the past

She once was young
Evoking jealousy like the belle of counties
With radiant green
Now sapless flies among
Forgotten homeless memories
Weathered of her sheen

Gently does she descend
To melt into earth as brown as her
Shelving every last
Precious fragment
In the mind’s depths; only a blur
Good bye, oh past!

Saviour

It begins: her last day on earth

The morn she takes to heaven

A life withered to no worth

She contemplates yet again

Is this the end to her sorrow,

Can she leave the reeling world behind,

Is she sure of no brighter tomorrow,

Or has the hurt marred her blind?

This path she paved in recklessness

Striding on until the dead end

And anger for years repressed

In death to it will she tend

Her footprints mark the carpet

She knows she will die alone

The tear drops fall cold and wet

As fear chills her to the bone

Her thoughts swirl like fog and mist
She wonders if anyone would care
Will her quiet existence be missed,
Will just one lend her a prayer?

She faintly remembers what

Brought laughter from within

Her heart has long forgot

The whirlwind that joy brings

Her eyes search skies numerous times

For the presence of an Almighty Saviour

That heavenly ladder shall she climb

To question why He didn't save her

And him, the one she lived for

She wanted so much to stay

The boy whose touch she craved for

Seemed too strong to give away

But they have torn and tattered

He no longer shares her pain

Soft eyes reveal she is battered

She will be gone and he will be the same

Nor mother, nor father to fret
Nor the warmth of her kin
Consumed in loneliness like a blanket
Prepared to commit her final sin

Brick by brick, each one had crashed

Her silver spider web dreams

That cruel rain and wind had lashed

To leave a haunting requiem

She looks around the mess she made

Invisible sewage of a worn-out life

Reason and rationality have long strayed

One question: the noose or the knife?

Enchambered in her desolate thoughts
Her cowardice and fear drain
So years of living vainly fought
Now end in a whip of joyous pain

The blinds are closed as are her eyes

The blade of death at her throat

"Goodbye" her mind in relief sighs

In peace her soul will float

And a knock, just one, before it burst

There he stands before her in tears

The only one who quenched her thirst

The man who blew away her fears

Dear love, your time has passed

Too late for your apologies

She swipes across the vein at last

For her fragile life must softly flee

He is not weak, he holds her at once

She struggles to free his clasp

Gentle as a feather she becomes

As she crumbles in his warm grasp

Her blood like a scarlet river

She spills upon his saving arms

The past escapes in a shiver

His presence like a soothing balm

He swears to God he shall protect

This beautiful girl from pain

He prays to God this life so wrecked

He can build back up again

You can see her by the setting sun

The scars still etch her skin

And many more invisible ones

That pierced her from within

You can see her smile in wisdom

And grace the years have brought

Her smile, the fruit of her freedom

From a tiresome battle fought

Don't Stop Running

It has been a lifetime since
We spoke of our feelings deep

A dreary fight that silence wins

Dark distances deftly creep

Do you remember when I burst

With my endless narrations

You heard it all, through the best and worst

You laughed and listened with patience

Remember our first beautiful kiss

Lips dancing to love's tunes

Our skin so close, in bliss

Good things always end too soon

How fast it slipped away

Accommodating painful tears

Let's not trust the evil they

Speak to brew in us these frantic fears

The most precious of things

Are oft destroyed in jealous hands

Before it ends, let's start running

From they who ne'er understand

Betrayal

To want to give life,
But to kill
These hands tremble
Broken under
Destiny's heavy curse
Upon guilty
And innocent
Like the final slash
Of a fiery sword
It sweeps
You kneel
Defeated, dying
Shattered bones
Shattered heart
Strong eyes cry
The hand of betrayal
Tainted with your blood
Drawn like a flag
Raised in victory
Until you bow

Only sorry is seived
Through fate's
Inescapable fingers
Death the only refuge
Death the only answer
Sorry is never
Enough. Stop!!
Apologies are beyond
Betrayal
For events turned
To scar beyond recognition
This bond

So be it
Unchangeable past
Unbearable present
Unthinkable future
And so it shall be

Tearless

Grey skies rumble in: a storm
Brewing another distorted day
Tornadoes swirl, as does my brain
Lost in time, misplaced.

Sad music serenades on
Stung by its resounding melody
I lie awake, alone, awash by thoughts
Cold feelings and stinging melodies.

Pause, breathe, wait, think, they say
But a single shade is this morn
In the spectrum of life
As though they have never hurt.

Numbed by lonliness
Blinded by fear
Scathing anger simmering

And smiling tearless eyes

Not a drop do I cry
Bottled fury, sealed pain
Never-betraying, smiling tearless eyes
Veiling my insides of sorrow.

The Old Flame

Years ago, when our minds were young
A spark of "like" had begun
An ounce or two more than friends
But the feelings were quiet then.

Now, as we see, the tiny flame dying
And decide to stop trying
To keep the old secret in
We let it all out from within

But too late, alas!
Our chance, gone, our time has passed
And it seems like I'm still waiting
The truth of unchangeable past, I'm hating
That I could turn back time I wish
For my love ceases to diminish

Even though you don't feel the same
Even though you think I'm playing games;
Every day when my eyes meet yours
I see that red line I must never cross
But im straining to keep from you
This unsatisfied love, so true.

If only circumstances didnt hinder
Or embers of the fire didn't linger

Then we could move ahead, just fine
But is life ever that divine?

All these years I have longed
For you to right all my wrongs
Old freind, first love,
I still haven't got enough
Of wandering back to years ago
When we had a chance, but no
We tripped on our feet, look where we are
Worlds apart, our love so far.

And today, as I sit with you
Our differences become so few
Wishing you will sweep me away
And say the words I want you to say.

Though we may walk our separate ways
And end up in a separate place
Deep in my heart I'll always know
That this love, could only grow.

Just stop, and look at me

The way I do, set me free

Accept this love that my hearts sends

Take me now, old friend.

Chachan

Come back, come home.
Return to this broken heart
'Tis not your time yet.

I awed you, my Chachan
Like an old song, not God would replace
You float in my memories, hazily.

Just to lay these tear filled eyes

On you
Anything, would I stake
Just come back.

I see you in me,
I see your energy in everyone here.
I see your smile frozen in a picture
A time when we laughed together.

Cheating time, if we didn't part

If I were your little mol again;
We'd watch the fields, as the sun set.

Photographs can never do justice;

Swinging on your lungi

Sitting upon strong shoulders

Looking into those wise eyes;

Pictures are worthless.

Embrace me in those wrinkled arms
As your final goodbye
I miss you too much.

GLOSSARY
Chachan : father

Mol : daughter (pronounce "mole")
Lungi : Long coloured cloth used by indian men as clothing to wrap around the waist. (pronounce "loon-gee")