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The Loss of Pride

In my worried head
I planned a gentle discussion.
I made it a point
Not to be bossy.
I know you hate that.

I said, "can you" instead of "won't you"
"Try to" instead of "I want you to".
I heard my quietness.
My pride, bleeding
On the floor.

You enjoy the power
My weakness
Gives you.
As I try to hide
Behind stubborn eyes.

NO.
I don't ask you again.
You shan't reconsider.
Breath punched out of my lungs
I'm sorry you said, "No."

Highway Rider

Bike.

Buzzed on beer.

Buttons black leather jacket.

Speed.

Stargazing.

Shedding all inhibitions.

Slow.

Succumbing

Steadily to alcohol.

Swerve!

Split-second.

Suddenly thrown into air.

Blood.

Broken bones.

Barely alive at nineteen.

Firsts

The first time we spoke

Over a song. Over a joke.

Sudden friends

The very first spark

In a bus. In the dark.

But you didn't notice

Our first week across states

Couldn't stand it. Couldn't wait.

To see you again

Your first confession

Changing course. Confusion.

Pulse escalates

First kiss

Bliss. Bliss.

Heaven in your arms

Nobody

I am like dirt under your shoe

Or a children’s book you forgot you had

Like an ache that you can’t bother to heal

Like I was just someone, anyone, no one at all

Words that sound like poetry

Coat your mouth like caramel

Sweet, indulgent but really

Just a sticky mass of unhealthy sugar

It hurts again. I thought it could never be

As bad as the last time

But it’s worse and more crushing

Because I didn’t think I would let myself hurt this way

No one but myself, no friends who understand

Just a room with little corners

Where I cry until my legs fall numb

Until I turn into an irrational mess of a person

What am I to you? Just a girl you convince yourself is the one

Who your heart doesn’t allow to love enough

Subconsciously, you push me away

It hurts to feel like nothing to you

I wish I was

I wish I was your Princess

The girl you'd waited for

The one for whom you'd do anything

If she came knocking on your door

I wish nothing else mattered

When you looked in my eyes

And everything else came second

When you had me as the prize

I wish every time I cried

You'd swear to heal my pain

And as long as life was in you

Never let me cry again

But I am not your Princess

I'm not your perfect bride

Even if you swear otherwise

This truth I know, inside

Father

Big shoulders strong enough

To protect

From everything

Speeding car, leering men, broken heart

Eyes that twinkle more often

Than they cloud

With anger or fear

Light brown pools of hidden emotion

Never perfect, yet seeming just so

Efficient

Machine

Yet more than lazy enough to be human

Downs a pint of whiskey (only the best)

A gentleman

Controlled

Loose, but never a drunken swagger

The smoothest driver, shifting gears

With ease

Experience

That cannot be taught, only admired

The kite flyer, the ocean swimmer

Careful

And carefree

The one who taught me to ride a wave

Brimming with stories and terrible jokes

A father

A friend

Switching between roles seamlessly

Hidden Child

Suitcase, black stilettos, crisp

Perfect posture stands

Holding an ice cream cone

Residue

You took my soul, loved it with all of you

But I wasn't good enough to fight for

You took my soul, squeezed the life out of it

Gently, without you or I knowing

You left your fingerprints to haunt me

When I am sleeping, when I am lonely

You left your sweet tasting fingerprints

To remind me it will never be the same

I cannot forgive you for stealing my faith

Sixteen was too young to find a soul mate

I cannot forgive you for stealing the part of me

That could love without fear of being trampled

You swirl, swirl, swirl like the residue in a teacup

That is meant only to be thrown away

I swirl, swirl, swirl in my own confusion

In limbo between the past and present

Look at me now, a shell, an amputee

How will I find someone who will accept this

Look at me now if you can stand to see it

I wait for someone to bring me back to life

If I could go back, I would pry

Out of your hands my most fragile parts

If I could go back, I would take my soul

And save it for someone better than you

Summer Day

Heat sweating.

You laugh.

We tickle.

You say little jokes

Small little jokes.

We find shade

Only to laugh more.

Only to touch

Gently. Pretend

It didn't happen.

Eyes dance

Mine laugh

With intensity.

Sudden joy

That you are here

Listening

Not listening

Looking the other way.

I pull you towards me

Pushing letting go

Closer

Then further.

It's a game.

The laughter sinks in

Like the sunlight

In the city's heat.

I told you secrets

Little dark spiders

That web in my brain.

You understand.

Strangers no more

I have found you.

Discovery

That makes day

Lighter fuller

With laughter

Silliness

Immaturity

Playfulness.

Taboo

It began with a playful fight on a lawn

Little shoves and tugs from which were born

Something, a spark, a tiny flicker

A trickling stream that was bound to get thicker

Tickles slowly replaced the pinches

And distances between us reduced to inches

That night, easily, naturally, without a pause

I found my fingers tangled in yours

I know I should have, could have stopped

But sparks ignite with a mere drop

Of fuel; A touch, a glance a smile suffices

The fire, it grows like a beast and rises

One minute, a glass of beer in hand

The next, everything we'd planned

Melted down to nothing and instead

We fell over each other on our rooftop bed

We laughed and rolled and kissed all night

And all that was wrong, seemed so right

I don't know where to go from here

So for just a minute more, stay with me here

Small Poems

Tiny things, little tiny poems that happen when I can't sleep. <3

When you appeared

Like a baby in a china shop

You toddled over to me

I knew, at that moment

You were going to stay awhile

Suddenly, without warning

Without wanting it to

Love flooded me, beautifully

I breathed again.

Your curls

Brown, orange, maybe even red

Naughty, unruly, soft

They epitomize you

They flirt with my memories of you

Cultural Differences

Language, hometown, habits, tastes

Where did we find the connection?

It’s invisible, but strong enough.

Little Things

A laugh. A girl’s name that annoys me.

Your eyes. Your cheekiness.

Your midnight kisses.

The nine-month-time-of-my-life

Distances

Airplane tickets divide us

Time not enough, feet too slow

If only.

Promises

As if you mean them with all your heart

You make promises, so many

They are broken like fragile pots

I still would bet my life that you’ll keep them

Impressions

Eyes closed, eyes open

Either way, you appear

On my heart, mind and soul

You leave your gentle footprints

Insomnia

Some nights I wait for you, hours and hours

You never come

Some nights I dream with eyes open

Of our happiness

Don’t

Don’t leave me just yet, there’s more

Don’t give up already, we have a chance

Don’t change your mind, it’s not over

I’m terrified you’ll forget about me

Addictive

I want to get out before you hurt me again

But your eyes are honest

Your kisses soothing

I give myself another chance with you

The Day You Left

A hot, blistering day begins

With a flustered morning

Waiting for you, pining, aching

Your call, a whiff of your voice

And I race to the door

And wait and wait and wait

Until your curly hair enters

My field of vision. Escalator

Ascending. Blue shirt. Shoulders.

You walk the wrong way

And I run, run, run...

Embrace. Relief. Peace.

I cling onto you for life

With time ticking frantically

Every minute bursts

With the pang of your departure

Every time you look at me

Mixed with the happiness you bring

Come waves and waves of sadness

And we walk. Hot, sweaty, hand in hand

The sun can't burn away

The hurt I feel looking at you

My stomach churns with dread

For when you'll say goodbye

My blue-shirt-curly-haired handsome

You stand by the gate with me

Wanting to stay and needing to leave

I curse the forces that pull you from me

I hold back the rain

Choking my eyes, burning

And try to smile. Try to let you go.

I can't. A hug. Another. Another.

Can't erase the heaviness I feel

So, as always, I run from my sadness

I walk away from you, faster

Hoping you don't see me and cry

Sitting in a bus stop

Head in my hands, trying

To numb out the hurt

You see me. You mouth something

I don't understand

I am drawn to you

Like a magnet

I follow the blue shirt in the rickshaw

I follow you like a lost puppy

I run, run, run...

Hoping, irrationally, that you will stop

And come back to me

Instead you accelerate

Around a bend, I lose sight

Of the blue shirt. I'm blind

With hot, lava-like tears

Sweating panting running

Trying to catch a glimpse

A flash, a touch of blue

In the crowded street ahead

Nothing but my ragged breath

Alien unattractive strangers

And thoughts of kisses, laughs, tentative smiles

Of a tiny silver ring on a big finger

Of your quick entry into my world

And your even swifter departure

The tears rain on ceaselessly

I walk and walk and walk and walk

To nowhere; lost without you

No polestars, no blue shirts

For direction

I still cannot fathom the pain

This goodbye brings

Bittersweet

As strongly as the heart yearns

For home, good company, familiarity

So the heart embraces the new

And welcome winds of change

As I ache for the cool touch

Of my mother's weathered fingers

Her clatter in the kitchen

Her halo of protection and comfort

So I stand wide-eyed, excited

For me new-found freedom

Bearing new responsibilities

With a smile and strong stance

As furiously as I cling to

The part of me i left behind

So I let this new person

Find her soul

Missing Ma

You burst with beautiful energy

You laugh and you become a child

I ache for that laugh, its warmth

It reminds me how similar we are

Your fingers worn soft

Telling your motherly tales

You read me, meticulously

Every smile, every movement

To you I am transparent

My lies fall to pieces before you

My tears, hidden within bathroom walls

Some you caused, and some others

From when I was a seed inside you

You could feel my heart beat

Even today, you sense every single

One of my sorrows

I get so angry at you sometimes

And you at me, we fight

But when I lie down to sleep

All I can think of is that I let you down

Tonight, in this cold hostel room

I miss you, your touch, your hug

Your words that curl around me

Like a well-worn sweater

I regret sleeping late into the morning

Instead of being around you

I take you for granted

And now I hate myself for it

I would have said all this to you

Cuddled up next to you

Over and over how much I love you

But we never do that. We argue. We hug.

I am falling to pieces without you here

Tonight I just want your presence

I look at your photograph

It isn’t enough. I miss you.

He's just not you

He's so gorgeous
His lines outrageous
He makes the first move
But he's just not you

He's naughty, like a child
He's crazy and wild
It's great, he's funny too
But he's just not you

He flirts with me all the time
But he doesn't make me rhyme
He's fresh, he's new
But he's just not you

HE can't write beautiful songs
He can't make me belong
In your arms like you do
No one could ever be you.

I can smile though you hurt me
I won't cry if you desert me
I can be just your friend
There's nothing in me to mend

I don't miss you like before
I don't need you anymore
You aren't my life blood
And it feels so good

It's OK when we fight
I don't stay up at night
Wondering if it was my fault
Or if i should have called

You're not the sun
I revolve around
You're not the one
To whom I'm bound
You were everything once
But an end always comes

I don't miss you like before
I don't need you anymore
You aren't my life blood
And it feels so good

oh honey, no offense, it feels good.

Wishes

Let us marry on a beach

With white rosed garlands
Let our parents bless us
With all their hearts
Let our footprints on the sand
Never erase from memory
No matter that they were
Erased by the sea

Let us spend those first years
Like new lovers
Discovering each others'
Bodies, minds, souls
Let the passion never die
Despite the years that pass
Let our hands always hold
To comfort each other

Let our every thought, word and action
Be infused with gentleness
Let we never lie or betray
And if we ever do
Let us forgive in time
If ever there is a doubt of fading love
Let it dissolve at once
When we are in each others' arms

Let the harsh words that we speak
Be drowned by the laughter
Of our children
Let them reflect our childhood
And remind us to be carefree

Let us never be too busy
To say, "I love you"
Let our arguments be peaceful
I hope work never forces us
To neglect our family
Or to neglect our love






I wrote this one night when I couldn't get sleep. These wishes are things that i know will never really come true, little girls like to wish upon stars. I just wanted to write down my insane hopes. I don't know if it classifies as poetry, but it is the song of my heart and I hope that counts.

Loveless

Love in the movies

In the park holding hands
Hides in an invisible nook
Jumps out and ruins and plans.

Loveless:

A computer keyboard chatters
Father is hard at work
Other trivial, inconsequential matters
In his shadows lurk

Mother sings along to the radio
Cooks, cleans, makes house home
Silent tears ebb and flow
Like a sad, soft poem

They met under parents' watchful eyes
Barely knowing each other
Two loveless decades pass by
They have not yet grown on each other

Their two children bind them
And they suffocate
Some unknown duty confines them
To a life they hate

They sleep in two rooms
Share not a word of love
Anger and regret they speak of
Why not just end it in a courtroom?

An impossible possibility
An act unheard of
Divorce? Absurdity!
Marriage was never about love

Lullaby

Are you sleepless tonight?
See the firleflies light
In the city smoke bright
The only stars of the night

Can you hear my voice
Over the hostel boys,
Over your brain's noise?
Can you feel my sorrows and joys?

Let's take a quiet walk
Our faraway hearts talk
Our lips lock
Till sleep on your door knocks

As settles the morning dew
Tonight, I am awake too
Me heart clings onto
All the wonder I found in you