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The Loss of Pride

In my worried head
I planned a gentle discussion.
I made it a point
Not to be bossy.
I know you hate that.

I said, "can you" instead of "won't you"
"Try to" instead of "I want you to".
I heard my quietness.
My pride, bleeding
On the floor.

You enjoy the power
My weakness
Gives you.
As I try to hide
Behind stubborn eyes.

NO.
I don't ask you again.
You shan't reconsider.
Breath punched out of my lungs
I'm sorry you said, "No."

Highway Rider

Bike.

Buzzed on beer.

Buttons black leather jacket.

Speed.

Stargazing.

Shedding all inhibitions.

Slow.

Succumbing

Steadily to alcohol.

Swerve!

Split-second.

Suddenly thrown into air.

Blood.

Broken bones.

Barely alive at nineteen.

Firsts

The first time we spoke

Over a song. Over a joke.

Sudden friends

The very first spark

In a bus. In the dark.

But you didn't notice

Our first week across states

Couldn't stand it. Couldn't wait.

To see you again

Your first confession

Changing course. Confusion.

Pulse escalates

First kiss

Bliss. Bliss.

Heaven in your arms

Nobody

I am like dirt under your shoe

Or a children’s book you forgot you had

Like an ache that you can’t bother to heal

Like I was just someone, anyone, no one at all

Words that sound like poetry

Coat your mouth like caramel

Sweet, indulgent but really

Just a sticky mass of unhealthy sugar

It hurts again. I thought it could never be

As bad as the last time

But it’s worse and more crushing

Because I didn’t think I would let myself hurt this way

No one but myself, no friends who understand

Just a room with little corners

Where I cry until my legs fall numb

Until I turn into an irrational mess of a person

What am I to you? Just a girl you convince yourself is the one

Who your heart doesn’t allow to love enough

Subconsciously, you push me away

It hurts to feel like nothing to you

I wish I was

I wish I was your Princess

The girl you'd waited for

The one for whom you'd do anything

If she came knocking on your door

I wish nothing else mattered

When you looked in my eyes

And everything else came second

When you had me as the prize

I wish every time I cried

You'd swear to heal my pain

And as long as life was in you

Never let me cry again

But I am not your Princess

I'm not your perfect bride

Even if you swear otherwise

This truth I know, inside

Father

Big shoulders strong enough

To protect

From everything

Speeding car, leering men, broken heart

Eyes that twinkle more often

Than they cloud

With anger or fear

Light brown pools of hidden emotion

Never perfect, yet seeming just so

Efficient

Machine

Yet more than lazy enough to be human

Downs a pint of whiskey (only the best)

A gentleman

Controlled

Loose, but never a drunken swagger

The smoothest driver, shifting gears

With ease

Experience

That cannot be taught, only admired

The kite flyer, the ocean swimmer

Careful

And carefree

The one who taught me to ride a wave

Brimming with stories and terrible jokes

A father

A friend

Switching between roles seamlessly

Hidden Child

Suitcase, black stilettos, crisp

Perfect posture stands

Holding an ice cream cone

Residue

You took my soul, loved it with all of you

But I wasn't good enough to fight for

You took my soul, squeezed the life out of it

Gently, without you or I knowing

You left your fingerprints to haunt me

When I am sleeping, when I am lonely

You left your sweet tasting fingerprints

To remind me it will never be the same

I cannot forgive you for stealing my faith

Sixteen was too young to find a soul mate

I cannot forgive you for stealing the part of me

That could love without fear of being trampled

You swirl, swirl, swirl like the residue in a teacup

That is meant only to be thrown away

I swirl, swirl, swirl in my own confusion

In limbo between the past and present

Look at me now, a shell, an amputee

How will I find someone who will accept this

Look at me now if you can stand to see it

I wait for someone to bring me back to life

If I could go back, I would pry

Out of your hands my most fragile parts

If I could go back, I would take my soul

And save it for someone better than you

Summer Day

Heat sweating.

You laugh.

We tickle.

You say little jokes

Small little jokes.

We find shade

Only to laugh more.

Only to touch

Gently. Pretend

It didn't happen.

Eyes dance

Mine laugh

With intensity.

Sudden joy

That you are here

Listening

Not listening

Looking the other way.

I pull you towards me

Pushing letting go

Closer

Then further.

It's a game.

The laughter sinks in

Like the sunlight

In the city's heat.

I told you secrets

Little dark spiders

That web in my brain.

You understand.

Strangers no more

I have found you.

Discovery

That makes day

Lighter fuller

With laughter

Silliness

Immaturity

Playfulness.

Taboo

It began with a playful fight on a lawn

Little shoves and tugs from which were born

Something, a spark, a tiny flicker

A trickling stream that was bound to get thicker

Tickles slowly replaced the pinches

And distances between us reduced to inches

That night, easily, naturally, without a pause

I found my fingers tangled in yours

I know I should have, could have stopped

But sparks ignite with a mere drop

Of fuel; A touch, a glance a smile suffices

The fire, it grows like a beast and rises

One minute, a glass of beer in hand

The next, everything we'd planned

Melted down to nothing and instead

We fell over each other on our rooftop bed

We laughed and rolled and kissed all night

And all that was wrong, seemed so right

I don't know where to go from here

So for just a minute more, stay with me here

Small Poems

Tiny things, little tiny poems that happen when I can't sleep. <3

When you appeared

Like a baby in a china shop

You toddled over to me

I knew, at that moment

You were going to stay awhile

Suddenly, without warning

Without wanting it to

Love flooded me, beautifully

I breathed again.

Your curls

Brown, orange, maybe even red

Naughty, unruly, soft

They epitomize you

They flirt with my memories of you

Cultural Differences

Language, hometown, habits, tastes

Where did we find the connection?

It’s invisible, but strong enough.

Little Things

A laugh. A girl’s name that annoys me.

Your eyes. Your cheekiness.

Your midnight kisses.

The nine-month-time-of-my-life

Distances

Airplane tickets divide us

Time not enough, feet too slow

If only.

Promises

As if you mean them with all your heart

You make promises, so many

They are broken like fragile pots

I still would bet my life that you’ll keep them

Impressions

Eyes closed, eyes open

Either way, you appear

On my heart, mind and soul

You leave your gentle footprints

Insomnia

Some nights I wait for you, hours and hours

You never come

Some nights I dream with eyes open

Of our happiness

Don’t

Don’t leave me just yet, there’s more

Don’t give up already, we have a chance

Don’t change your mind, it’s not over

I’m terrified you’ll forget about me

Addictive

I want to get out before you hurt me again

But your eyes are honest

Your kisses soothing

I give myself another chance with you